I deleted 3 of my previous post because they were pretty superficial, in a way that the only reason i post them is because i have to post something which is pretty bad. notice that i keep repeating myself..whopee dee doo :).
I kinda like to talk about me. seriously, who doesn't? secretly everybody enjoy the limelight, they are just in plain denial ( stop denying, accept it). It is bad though and it is not encouraged by Islam to do so because it might result in unhealthy pride. Pride where we think we are better than others. Tbh, i only have this kind of mentality when I compare myself with those silly alcoholics orang puteh. I' m better than them in terms of morals but am I really? If I wear my headscarve and wear loose-fitting clothes, am i really better than the cleaveage-showing girl next to me with skin-tight tshirts? nope nope nope. there is no such thing anymore. dalam hati siapa tahu kan?
I am not saying i am a saint who does not ever cuss or wish bad things for some people. I am just saying that I am happy that i have enough discipline to not ever be tempted to sip the devil's piss or explore the sexual eagerness that is associated with being young adults who goes to university. hahaahaha the silly orang puteh yg suka makan babi somewhat have this perception that going to university means having active sexual life and just having the most fun spending all their parents money. oh wait..my bad, not their parents money, it is more of the taxpayers money. well done, ol' chap :D .
Let's not generalise that all orang puteh are like that. I've meet and seen people who work their ass off and read beyond what was expected, from the start. I feel so small whenever i talk with these people because they read sooooooo much more than I do. They make me feel so bad about myself and about my knowledge of literature. waaaaa....
University is certainly a bigger pool..oh wait, nope its a freaking ocean and i'm just a small fish from a small monarchy which is like Eden in comparison to other places in the world. It's a give and take world where in return for this and that, we are stripped off certain rights. but it's okay...one does not miss what one does not grow up with. I think this is also applicable to drinking. Lots of people ask me, how do you do it? ...i hate this question. Discipline, years and years of discipline and of course my Faith. If i don't have faith, it would be difficult but thank God i do have Faith.
It is between me and God. We all will have our own separate, special dialogue with God one day and it is the ultimate moment of truth. I'm kinda scared of death, even though, I did grow up thinking about death every single day as a reminder that I need to stop sinning. It is easy to sin, especially as a kid. I mean if you mengeluh when your parent ask you for this and that, that's already a sin. If you lie about something or exaggerate truth just to impress your friends - a sin. and yes, not fulfilling the 5 times a day prayers. Hahaha i remember we used to cheat whilst marking our individual prayer monitoring book, we put ticked indicating we pray even when we actually missed it because we are so scared of the Religious teacher. That was bad.
Anyways i'm so distracted now hehe I don't even remember now what i was talking about..tsk tsk tsk. i think i will end on the note that: my life is one of the dullest life anyone could have, it isn't bad, it's just pretty restricted. my parent are amazing despite their flaws, but sometimes i wish they could just trust me and let me take some risk in life. How would I learn, if you would not let me?. It ain't easy to raise four girls, I can see and understand that, but I'm nearly 20 and i seriously can say I don't know what it feels like to be 19. One would think i'm just 15, after hearing about the list of things that I can't do due to my parent reluctance to give me the green light.
argghh...thus it would be totally pointless to blog about my non-existing life which currently circulates around making other people happy but not me. i honestly need someone who would let me see that despite all mistakes, i still deserve to be appreciated and respected. and that it is okay for me to put my interests first. I don't intend to be a goody-two shoes, it's just that this is just how i am raised. I don't know anything different, other than feeling guilty everytime i buy something for myself. I need to accept that treating myself to somethings sometime is not selfish. It is just my way of showing myself a token of appreciation. Oh okay.. i so need to stop all this.
No comments:
Post a Comment