what's been going on

This is so typical me. Hangat2 tahi ayam, it seems. I think i had three futile attempts at this blogging thing. My last entry was probably about 2 weeks ago or more...eeeks..

I had been 'hiding' in my kampong for about a week plus and so...and it feels like years to be honest...

My grandpa passed away on the 8th august in his home, in Tutong. We had been at his side for three days straight since he decided not to stay in the hospital anymore. He had a liver cirrohsis and suffered for 3 months before he passed away.

I knew something was wrong before I went back home. Out of the blue, my dad ( who rarely calls) called and said my grandpa wants to talk to me. This was in late may and people back home never really updates me with anything. That call bothered me a lot.

Since I came back last June, I only had proper light-hearted conversation with my grandpa about twice or thrice. After that, he went in and out of the hospital.

It is hard to see him all withered up and always in constant pain. Even the slightest movement could trigger such pain in him. This was the grandpa that send us to surau every friday for mengaji, the grandpa that always told us to study hard, the grandpa that seriously drives like he's in his twenties and yes, he's my fav.

We ( me and my cousins) had been reciting Yassin around the clock and we were sitting in my grandparent's living room, not far from my grandpa who had not been able to get up for days. People had been streaming in and out of the house, giving respects and reciting prayers. It was nearly 12 am when we finally had a chance to rest, I just closed my eyes for a little while. When I suddenly woke up around 1 plus, my mum seem to panic and told all of us to wake up and gather around my grandpa. I was still in dazed, like mimpi masih rasanya. My mum's sobbing was so distracting that I couldn't really process what was going on and then when they tested whether he was still breathing: It hit me real hard. That was it.

We were up from 1 plus onwards until the burial ceremony and sampai the tahlil event during the night. We did not mind it.

The scariest event of my life ever is the burial. This might sound morbid but it is the freaking truth: the moment they bury you, that is it. All that you could depend on is your amal ibadat and doas from your families. Again, tears won't stop flowing.

This is my therapy. I don't like burying things or feelings...I let it all out so that I won't overblow one day.

This ramadhan is going to be a tough one and raya too...but we are all pitching in to make my nini bini less sedih. I can't even begin to imagine the pain she's going through, but she was so calm that subuh.

I think I will be okay...we will be okay. Amin.

Al-Fatihah to my nini laki, Hj Umar bin Nayan.