3 lil kids

L to R: Abang Anaqi, Adik Anaqin & Baby Aneeza :) @ my nini's place..

'Apakan bunyi atu ka?' - Baby points to the forest, near my grandparent's house di kampong.

Before I can even answer her... 'Bunyi ambuk kan tu ka?' Ia suka makan kanak2 gauk kan tu ka'

Hahaha..I tried to not laugh, at her 'wild' imagination which 10 minutes later, somehow jadi like a story tia plang...

She said that the ambuk basar suka kanak2 gauk yg balum mandi and that we have to hide in my nini's place because if not, the ambuk will get to her and destroy rumah my nini.

Hahahaha she was 3 coming to 4 in a couple of days when she told me this story of the ambuk that lives around my nini's house and conveniently, at the back of my house. :)

Anaqi & Baby and the blue blurry figure is Anaqin :)

Aneeza or Baby is one of my three little cousins that cme back from Holland for the summer-- they are precious :) and very affectionate...

They lived arh my nini's place for about 2 weeks, since my nini laki sakit tenat and even after he passed away. At night, there a lot of other kids/cousins who can entertain them but in the morning, once they bangun tidur, they will run to my house and bawa me main.

Hahaha i was actually living in fear, every morning :p the thing is they can play for hours and seriously, my house nada banyak mainan..they kept asking me why nda byk toys in my house and i told them we are all kinda grown-up now...

Adik or Anaqin is a fav among all my cousins...he got soft, curly hair and dimples on his cheeks :) and yes a killer, mischevious smile that is always there..he's 5 and loves to jump on people...ohhh he loves to kiss people too :) i heart him..their abang is Anaqi who prior to Holland, is quite shy and doesn't really speak much...now he's as charming as his younger brother..

Anyways i feel like blogging about them because i think i will and i know i will miss them once they go back to Holland this wednesday..They said goodbye today at my nini's place..they went home to KB last monday, after my uncle left Brunei earlier to get back to work. It was kinda sad to see my nini having to say goodbye to her fav cucus( well i think they are since they are my uncle's children -- my uncle is the youngest so yea..hee..), knowing that she will only be able to see them again next summer Insyallah.

But Insyallah for me, I will be able to see them this xmas break...My uncle & aunt had been asking me and my cousin to visit them in Den Haag or the Hague since they first came last april. so I will be visiting them for the first time this december :) Yay~ Holland here I come :)

p/s: i know how to sing happy bday in dutch now :) thanks to my little cousins

tonyte

Just cme back from a doa tahlil at my tangah's house in Lambak.

It wasn't bad or annoying as I thought it would be.

You see the thing with gatherings esp. when my mum isn't here is that some aunties can be soooo penyibuk and kdg2 luan kan menyuruh itu ani.

Maybe I have lots of 'caring' aunties but most of the time, they just annoys me with their kepo'ness and perhaps i'm paranoid, but they kinda always seem to wanna minimise whatever achievement you have so that their own kids won't look bad in comparison. hahahah what a long sentence but devil may care..

maybe I am the only one yg ada aunties like these...oh well..not all aunties are bad.

I simply love some of my aunties,,aunties that were esssential part of my growing up whilst my mum n dad took turn to further their education overseas..

but yes no one will love me as much as my parent loves me...hmm...I think my parent do love me ..hmm..should i ask them?:p...nahhh..they definitely loves me..at least i can be sure that there's 2 ppl in this world who loves me unconditionally..:)

Hahaha anyways, so tonight i got to see cousins from my mum's side..I used to be totally close to all of them growing up but since we moved to Tutong, its definitely hard to hang out with them like we used to when we're kids. I get to manja2 with a number of nieces n nephews..hahah yes, im the one yg manja2 with them..I love it when kids come to you n just be totally comfy with you despite them having met you probably once or twice in a year hehee...

In comparison to my cousins balah my dad, my cousins yg mum's side rarely asks me about me being in uk n my experiences so far..i guess they aren't bothered. When i first pergi ke uk, no one from my mum's side went to hantar me...except for zee's mum which doesn't really count as she was seeing off zee. They did call to say goodbye and I kinda understand why they cnt make it...most of my relatives buat biscuits during puasa so i think they were busy making cookies masa that time.

I have nothing more to say lah than that...

it's scary how distant i already am from some cousins who i practically grew up and play with..i do miss them but they are no longer the same. I don't share their life anymore, neither do they.

hmmm...let's see...anyways im so knackered..arghhh...

what's been going on

This is so typical me. Hangat2 tahi ayam, it seems. I think i had three futile attempts at this blogging thing. My last entry was probably about 2 weeks ago or more...eeeks..

I had been 'hiding' in my kampong for about a week plus and so...and it feels like years to be honest...

My grandpa passed away on the 8th august in his home, in Tutong. We had been at his side for three days straight since he decided not to stay in the hospital anymore. He had a liver cirrohsis and suffered for 3 months before he passed away.

I knew something was wrong before I went back home. Out of the blue, my dad ( who rarely calls) called and said my grandpa wants to talk to me. This was in late may and people back home never really updates me with anything. That call bothered me a lot.

Since I came back last June, I only had proper light-hearted conversation with my grandpa about twice or thrice. After that, he went in and out of the hospital.

It is hard to see him all withered up and always in constant pain. Even the slightest movement could trigger such pain in him. This was the grandpa that send us to surau every friday for mengaji, the grandpa that always told us to study hard, the grandpa that seriously drives like he's in his twenties and yes, he's my fav.

We ( me and my cousins) had been reciting Yassin around the clock and we were sitting in my grandparent's living room, not far from my grandpa who had not been able to get up for days. People had been streaming in and out of the house, giving respects and reciting prayers. It was nearly 12 am when we finally had a chance to rest, I just closed my eyes for a little while. When I suddenly woke up around 1 plus, my mum seem to panic and told all of us to wake up and gather around my grandpa. I was still in dazed, like mimpi masih rasanya. My mum's sobbing was so distracting that I couldn't really process what was going on and then when they tested whether he was still breathing: It hit me real hard. That was it.

We were up from 1 plus onwards until the burial ceremony and sampai the tahlil event during the night. We did not mind it.

The scariest event of my life ever is the burial. This might sound morbid but it is the freaking truth: the moment they bury you, that is it. All that you could depend on is your amal ibadat and doas from your families. Again, tears won't stop flowing.

This is my therapy. I don't like burying things or feelings...I let it all out so that I won't overblow one day.

This ramadhan is going to be a tough one and raya too...but we are all pitching in to make my nini bini less sedih. I can't even begin to imagine the pain she's going through, but she was so calm that subuh.

I think I will be okay...we will be okay. Amin.

Al-Fatihah to my nini laki, Hj Umar bin Nayan.

yada yada yada

I realised I haven't updated my blog for like 2 weeks now--

Not that there's not a lot going on....too much going on that I just have to put a 'be right back' sign on my blog..

I really don't want to talk in details as to what's been bothering me lately..

Death had been bothering me lately...annoyingly peeking its head into my life, playing a game or two..it's inevitable i know but i choose to be in denial of it..for this particular moment..

My only happy source: my mum is back from aussie..hearing what happened to my nini, she took the nxt flight home (kinda..) and yea she's here now...i cherish every seconds i get to spend with her now because it would be a really really long time until i get to see her after this...next easter or maybe next summer coz our holidays doesn't clash...

and oh a close friend told me i'm pretty insensitive to other people's feelings...mcm kana stabbed bah my heart ahh...maybe i'm a bit different now, maybe it seems its always about me but hey, to say that i'm self-centred is just soooo mean and wrong and untrue..what does he know kan?

maybe i get sick of ppl walking all over me, trampling my emotions and taking a mickey out of my intentions..i'm not saying i'm a very good girl yg kana victimised saja but the truth is...sometimes one have to put one's interest or feelings above others...ndakan kan please ppl saja and refuse yourself some well-deserved happiness..eeeee...mental ku...

i like it when ppl are honest with me but i so don't appreciate it when you said it, but doesn't wish to explain where exactly did i go wrong...how can i learn to correct myself ,when you don't bother to show me where my flaws are located exactly?

eeeeeeeee....sasak ku...apparently i'm self-centred for not want to layan him talk about how much i changed, how much diff i am from this one particular relative and of how i'm being insensitive for saying that i don't enjoy his fav. movie...arghhhh..

seriously we are having one communication breakdown...

i hope this doesn't last because i already reserved a spot for him on my 'friends for keeps' list and i dont want to see seven years of somewhat tense friendship goes down the drain...