hmm

Yes, I am upset & disappointed with my essays. Just got them back this morning and it kinda ruined my whole day. No wonder my heart was beating so fast tadi when I was walking towards the English office. I should have known.

But entah ah, like what i wrote arh the pseudo-modernist 'poem' just now, all I can do really is cry over it for awhile, take a step back and analyse where I went wrong then do something about it and don't let these pessimistic, dark clouds hovers above my head. Though this is easier written than done, it is not impossible.

I feel a lot better honestly. Sometimes you just have to get all the frustrations & negativity off your chest. I finally did that.

I have a presentation next week and two essays due within 2 weeks time. Its only my first week and I am already drowning in work.

sigh

I'm just really bersyukur that i'm still here to improve myself. this year Insyallah i will improve the other areas of my life jua :)

just some ol' plain painful truth

It’s difficult.

The road that I have chosen to follow is difficult.

I used to think that I have what it takes

I used to think I was that good of a writer or essayist

I took Elite for four years straight

I thought my skills would be up to par now

But I was wrong

I don’t know how to go about this

Its not that I don’t seek help

Its not that I don’t make effort

I did

But it seems like I don’t have it

Some people can write overnight brilliantly

But I can’t even manage a 2:2 even after 3 weeks of preparation

Some people thought its easy

After all, it is a bachelor of arts.

How hard could it be, compare to other science courses?

But it is hard.

Maybe it is because I don’t have such skills that I am struggling.

Maybe I am not Elite enough because seriously people who do elite are mostly cultured & well off

Sometimes I just want to call my parent and tell them I am leaving,

Sometimes I feel like emailing my tutor to tell him I had enough,

Sometimes everything just seems too much to handle,

But whenever these thoughts runs through my mind,

Whatever is left of my faith in myself fights back,

And reminded me that I worked hard to be where I am today,

That my parent sacrificed a lot for me to be here,

Hmmm….

I am back to square one now.

I been struggling to keep my head above the water since the day I entered high school.

It was always a struggle to get the grades that I wanted, to be able to please my dad.

I never stop struggling until today.

I know I have the intelligence, but it always seems like I am not as good as other people

I used to dream of being a top student in my course, of getting first -class essays

You might think I am being dramatic, after all I did pass right?

It is never about passing essays, its about being able to write down your views

Its about being able to voice out your opinions coherently

In Literature, there is no right or wrong.

Just the ability to successfully argue your case

Its about being able to justify your points

Most of all it is about showing off your knowledge

Showing how aware one is of the different literary movements

Which always most certainly relates back to history and politics

English literature used to be only for the upper class,

Maybe I am not cultured enough

Hmmm…

Despite my lack of faith in my own ability

I know that I just have to keep trying

Finding ways to truly improve whatever skills I have

Even if I fail to achieve the 2:1 or First,

At least I know that I did all the best I can

All I want is to be able to make myself proud

As silly as that sounds.